All hands on deck – Shelter prevention programs teach healthy relationships
By Alexi C. Cardona
Naples Daily News
USA TODAY NETWORK – FLORIDA
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In a Collier County elementary school classroom, a conversation about friendship turned to bullying.
A small hand rose. A student asked how kids can defend themselves.
Stephanie Ramos, a child advocate for the Shelter for Abused Women & Children, explained how people can stand up without becoming bullies themselves.
In an alternative school classroom, a student asked about “exposing” someone — showing off and sharing intimate photos of girls with friends.
Ramos told the student doing that would be wrong — and possibly illegal.
At the Boys & Girls Club in Immokalee, students asked about the rules surrounding giving or demanding cellphone and social media passwords from their girlfriends or boyfriends.
Ramos talked to them about healthy relationship boundaries, trust and controlling behavior.
Ramos has said it can be difficult for her, a stranger, to talk to students about thingslike how to be a good
friend, how to spot abusive or controlling behaviors in relationships and how to seek help when necessary; but it’s her job.
“They seem like these big, bad issues that are outside of us,” Ramos said.
Teaching trust
That is, until she levels with them. When she tells teenagers that it’s unhealthy for a person to receive 100 texts a day from a boyfriend or girlfriend demanding to know where they are at all hours, they listen. When she talks about peer pressure and says no one should force a partner to do things they don’t want to do in a relationship, they agree.
The students ask questions about what qualifies as controlling and manipulative behavior. They turn to their friends when Ramos talks about something that connects with them. They share their personal experiences and the experiences of friends. They ask how they can help classmates and friends who may be in unhealthy relationships at a young age.
“…When you break it down that way, it takes away the otherness of the problem and makes it something kids and teens are willing to look at,” Ramos said.
The shelter provides programs and presentations in Collier County schools to teach students about healthy coping skills,friendships and relationships. High school students learn about teen dating violence and sexual consent.
The shelter works with Collier County Public Schools to tailor the message of the presentations by school level.
From ‘Helping Hands’ to ‘Expect Respect’
The preschool and first grade prevention program is called “Hands are for Helping, Not for Hitting.” The program teaches little ones how to express anger and other emotions without aggression and how to productively use their hands.
Middle and high schools receive either one-time presentations or eightweek courses on healthy friendships and teen relationships.
The eight-week program, called “Expect Respect,” covers everything from gender stereotypes and media influences on relationships to communication, boundaries, bullying and self-confidence.
Ramos’ job is about prevention. When students wonder why she’s in their classrooms or after-school programs talking to them about healthy relationships and friendships, she tells them it’s in hopes that they’ll never end up in a domestic violence shelter.
Regardless of the age group, one of Ramos’ main themes in her presentations
is respect. She tells students everyone wants respect in their relationships, but respect means different things to different people and that talking is important.
“I believe that whatever age you are, you can have healthy relationships, you can have boundaries and communicate with each other,” Ramos said.
She tells students people may not go into relationships thinking they’re going to be abused, but isolated incidents and bad habits can grow and spread.
Ending the cycle of abuse
In 2017, about 15% of high school students in the United States were bullied online, and 19% of high school students were bullied in school, according to information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
About one in 11 female high school students and about one in 15 male high school students reported experiencing physical dating violence in the past year. About one in nine female high school students and one in 36 male high school students reported experiencing sexual dating violence in the past year, according to information from the CDC.
And more than a quarter of women and 15% of men reported experiencing intimate partner violence before the age of 18, according to the same CDC data.
For these reasons, the Naples shelter works on prevention and education in addition to providing protection and services to people who experience domestic violence. Julie Franklin, the shelter’s chief operating officer, said one of the shelter’s goals became to end the cycle of intergenerational abuse in families.
“We believed … if we can get them at a young age and then offer prevention throughout their school years, so kind of grow up with them, we will make a difference in their lives and we will see more futures without violence,” Franklin said.
Teen shelter ambassadors
That belief drove the creation of the school programs.
The shelter has given more than 500 prevention and educational presentations to more than 11,000 students this fiscal year.
Beyond going into schools, the shelter has a Youth Advisory Council, a group of students from across the county that brings awareness of healthy relationships and friendships to their schools.
Several Immokalee High School students take part in the council and serve as ambassadors for the shelter. They become resources for their friends and peers. Ramos heads the council in Immokalee.The students meet with her twice a month, either at the school or at the shelter’s satellite office in Immokalee.
They participate in events at the school and around Immokalee to engage the community.
The students in the council said being part of the club has taught them about dating violence and all the ways relationships can become toxic or abusive. They said what they’ve learned has also made them aware of what to look for in their future partners. What they’ve learned has taught them to be better friends, they said, and sometimes help people in their lives with resolving conflict.
Tough conversations
Giselle Perez, an Immokalee High School student and Youth Advisory Council member, said people in her life have been in toxic or abusive relationships. She said she tried to get a family member in an unhealthy relationship to talk to their partner.
“Teens — they listen to you and hear you, but they won’t do anything,” she said.
Rosa Cruz-Hernandez, also a student and council member, said it can be difficult even for them as teens to talk to their peers because some controlling behaviors seem normal.
At school, they’ve seen instances of social media stalking, bullying, couples demanding each other’s cellphone passwords, couples dictating the friends their partners are allowed to have and teens being condescending toward their partners.
In their own families, they’ve also been able to identify instances of abuse and controlling or manipulative behavior.
They said through their work with the Youth Advisory Council, they’ve learned about how to communicate in difficult situations and have tough conversations with people when they may need help.
“Everyone has something bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe,” Rosa said. “I can tell someone as a friend if something isn’t safe.”
